I don’t miss you

I don’t miss you, but because of the wonderful person that I am and because of all the wonderful things I did and sacrifices I made, I am sure you miss me. But I deserved better and wanted better and you did not. I saw our marriage as a 50/50 give-and-take, and you did not. And now my life is full and rich, and because you threw away the best thing to ever happen to you, I imagine that your life is not, although I do hope I am wrong, because we only get one life to live and we should treasure it and not dwell on our mistakes, and God knows you have plenty of those to dwell on. But I do hope you are happy with the choses you have made. I am happy with the choses I have made.

I’m off

Today I am off to go 4-wheeling on a road down by Lake City. It is a trip I tried to get M to take many times, but she always planned other things, or in other ways sabotaged the plans. I never asked much (even though I gave a ton) but this was one place I always wanted to go and share with her. Now that we are no longer, it is too late. But that isn’t going to stop me from living my life and moving on.

I’m off.

Ring true

Why, again?

Because this song never gets old and describes how I feel perfectly – to a tee.

John Prine – All the Best

One year ago today

Tomorrow, the 15, will mark one year since I moved out and left all the bad karma, that was my married life, behind. I can’t say it has been a great year but it has, without a doubt, been far better than the years I spent married. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to be married and look forward to sharing the rest of my life with somebody, but after only a year of being Mr. and Mrs. I was becoming disillusioned with the whole thing. The truth is that you can only give so much and take so much time out of your own personal life and time before you finally realize that the relationship is one-sided. And what I mean by one-sided is that I was in love and she was not. I wanted nothing more than what marriage had to offer: conversation, company, a shoulder to cry on, someone to be there for me when times got bad and someone I could be there for, and, yes, even sex. But after a year, while I feel I functioned adequately in all the previously listed duties, I saw a complete lack of concern for my well-being from my other half. Needless to say, things got worse and I felt trapped in a corner and in a constant battle of 2 vs. 1 (sometimes myself and my ex against me, long story), and the only way to save myself was to split. It is truly sad when you have to revert back to thinking only about yourself in order to save anything, let alone your marriage.

Like I said, a long story. And don’t get me wrong, there is plenty of blame and guilt that can be placed upon these two shoulder, but with all honesty I can say I tried to save us; I wanted to save and she did not. God willing, next time around, I will know a lot more on how to be a better husband and man. Hopefully when that times comes I will have somebody who truly loves me for me and feels the same way.

For me

It is interesting how things affect people. This blog for example, I had almost forgotten about, then, every so often it pops into my brain and I log in and see if anybody has left any comments, etc. I also read the ‘About’ page and wonder is this still me? You see, lately I have been too busy to do many of the things that I promised I would do for myself when this fiasco went down, such as writing. Then I read the ‘About’ page and think yes, you should get to writing, you have so many great ideas and really only lack the experience and skill of writing itself. I guess it is one good thing that came out of all this.

Thanks M,

It’s harder to forgive than to hold a grudge

. . . and for that reason I forgive you. That and the fact that dis-liking you and dwelling on all the awful things - and you know how bad you treated me – will accomplish nothing but waist my time, and it certaintly will not help you any since it is my opinion, M, that you are beyond help.

Happy Valentines Day

Yes, it is Valentines and almost a year since we have parted ways. In short it has been a great year. In less than a month I will move into my new condo, start the process of fixing up and improving not only my new home but myself. The past year has been a financial hardship but that is all about to come to end when I get my Tax Credit of $8,000 for first time home buyers.

Like I have said before, I still wait for an email from you, but nothing ever comes. I think I deserve an apology for the hurt that you have force me to endure; a hurt that was not asked for and not deserved. I did all I could from day one to make our lives together a happy one. And from day one all you did is take and take and take, in true vampire fashion, until I grew tired of giving finally realizing that the love in this relationship was one way – me giving my all to you.

Happy Valentines day M, I hope today serves as a reminder off all the pain you have inflicted upon me, but I know it doesn’t, because you have no soul, and you sure as hell didn’t feel guilty about those you used and then threw away before we were an item.

It is so frightening to know that people like you even exist in this world, truly awful and hurtful people who act like they do simply for the sheer joy of watching others suffer!

End of not only the year but of the nightmare

Yes, 2009 was a nightmare. After being married to a person who – for reasons I will never fully understand – I loved more then anything for only a year and a half, we got divorced during which time, my car was held as a hostage, I had to fight tooth and claw for my dog, and my miserable-excuse for an ex-wife tried to lay the blame for our brake-up squarely at my feet, even though – it is my position – that from beginning to end I was the one that was lied to, as well as the one used and abused. But ine the end I escaped.

Kinda.

Thoughts of her do still fill my head. But not the kind of thoughts that you might think. They are thoughts of wonder, and the seeking to answers to questions that will never be answered; thoughts of waiting.

Yes, I do wait to hear from her. Not to say she wants me back – God, the horror – but to say she is sorry, to say she is sorry for the pain she inflicted – purposely, in my opinion – and sorry for the way she acted towards a person toward whom had only shown her love and who in return she showed dis-respect and anger.

I know I did things wrong and I know I was also not a very good husband. For the things I did wrong I only have myself to blame, but as for the bad husband part, I take solice in the fact that we both can share blame. While I was not a good husband, she was also a terrible wife, and person – again, my opinion.

But in the end I think I want an apology more for the fact that when we got married, I wanted only two things: love and forever after. She wanted. . . I don’t know what the hell she wanted, but it was neither of those two things. If I had to take a stab-in-the-dark, I would say she wanted comfort. Yes, comfort. Comfort for herself from bills, responcibility and . . . maturety.

It will always bother me how someone like me, fresh out of college, can be leaps and bounds more responcible then a person who had been married once before, owned a house and had a car payment, and in the course of a little more then a year found herself divorced, with no house (foreclosure), and no car (re-posessed).

This is the part where I knock on wood – knock, knock.

Because I have a car payment – now two, thanks to my ex – and will soon have a morgage. And where her life took a turn for the worst after her first divorce (and seems to continue to do so), my has gotten leaps-and-bounds better. I am ahead on both car payments – one, by several months – I have paid off all my credit cards, am soon to buy a house, and have a great job, and work with wonderful people.

And yet, I am still haunted by the fact that my future will hold – hopefully – something more wonderful – a wife and child, maybe? Yes, I said haunting, not because these things frighten me, but because I know, now, that there are people out there like my ex, people who are. . . well, awful, hurtful, and evil.

And I don’t want that!

I don’t want fame or money or riches beyond belief, but I don’t want another nightmare, either.

So, for this new year, I do apologize for my part in the climatic direction my marriage took. And I know that I will never hear an apology from the other half, but I’m alright with that. But to anybody and everybody out there who may read this, do me, you, and everybody a favor this next year: treat everybody the way you wanted to be treated. Love is no fun for neither if all you do is think about yourself and what you have to gain. It truely is much better to give then recieve.